Most relationship problems reduce to two failures: unequal investment and reflexive reactions to discomfort.
Reciprocity
Good relationships are symmetrical. Both people are equally convinced. If you’re convinced and they’re still deciding, that’s not a problem to fix. It’s information.
You see it in behavior: prompt replies, clear plans that happen, pride in being seen together, repair after conflict.
Opposite signals are clear too: days between texts, vague plans, flirting elsewhere, explaining why they should want you. They’re asymmetrical.
Early experiences can invert your radar. If you grew up earning love, anxiety can feel like attraction and unavailability can feel “worth fighting for.” But fighting for someone who won’t fight for you repeats the old pattern of earning what should be given.
Practical rule: if they aren’t holding the rope with equal force, let go. Cleanly. You can’t negotiate someone into reciprocity.
Reciprocity check
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If I do nothing for 24 hours, is their care still obvious?
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Do actions match words this week?
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Would I accept this dynamic for five years?
Two “no” answers → step back.
The Loop
Seeking relief from discomfort often keeps you uncomfortable.
Pain hits—loneliness, anxiety, an ambiguous text. The loop begins when you rush to make it go away: texting, checking, scrolling. Each time you do, you train a habit: discomfort → immediate relief. Your brain learns the shortcut.
That same habit shows up everywhere. If you can’t sit with loneliness, you’ll struggle to sit with conflict or vulnerability. You’ll retreat or demand reassurance. Same loop, new trigger.
Counter-move: notice the urge and don’t act immediately. Sit with the feeling until it crests. No distraction. Just notice you can contain it. Over time you break the link between discomfort and compulsion and start choosing by values, not impulses.
How this looks
These principles reinforce each other. You can’t recognize reciprocity while chasing whoever makes you anxious. You can’t keep a healthy bond if every uncomfortable moment triggers a scramble for relief.
Before I act, I ask: If I wait 24 hours, will their care still be obvious? Would I accept this for five years?
Boundary script: “I show up with X. I need X in return. If we’re aligned, let’s plan twice weekly for the next month. If not, let’s part respectfully.”
The hard part isn’t saying it. It’s meaning it. Most people negotiate their standards away the moment attention returns. That’s the loop again.
What changed
“Complicated” usually means asymmetrical. If you don’t know where you stand, you’re not on solid ground.
Seeking relationships to fix loneliness keeps you lonely. Build the capacity to be alone without desperation. Then choose from strength.
Love is two hands on one rope with equal grip. Your job is to pick partners who pull as you pull and to train your system not to flinch at every feeling. Reciprocity chooses the people. Non-reactivity protects the bond.